Testimony

God In The Disruption

Over the course of 19 years, I have picked up one consistent pattern of life:

You set a pace.
You find your rhythm.
You get comfortable.
And, then, BOOM.
Life throws something in your way that you never saw coming.

And, if you’re anything like me, you would know that is the most frustrating, most uncomfortable thing to experience.

Let me make it clear: I don’t like change!

Especially when I’ve already gotten used to the way things were.

Take my junior year of high school, for example.
I finally started to feel more secure and confident in my faith. I knew who were my friends and who to stay away from as I began to find purpose in who I was as a writer, a student, and a believer of Christ.
But, right as I was beginning to feel sure of myself, and my future at hand, came this towering depression that I had absolutely no preparation for.
Sure, I was studying my bible before the depression hit and heard sermons about the joy coming in the morning. But, my prior knowledge of how to fight it off got lost in my exhaustion, and my faith began to starve after each battle was lost.

In other words, I had faith, but I didn’t know that it was a weapon I could use to fight.

So, instead of using my faith, I became filled with pride, thinking I knew enough to get me out of it.

That pride turned into bitterness.
The bitterness turned into faithlessness.
The faithlessness turned into confusion.
The confusion eventually turned into disbelief.
So, the confidence I had started my junior year out with ended with disbelief, my freshman year of college.

I’ll say it again: I don’t like change.

Change is an interruption to self-dependence. It forces us to look to something higher and bigger and better and wiser than what we thought we were.
Change makes us pray, makes us recognize that our knowledge of the future is limited. And, it’s uncomfortable because we think we’re so self-sufficient and independent that it’s painful to deny that we don’t know.

Andy Mineo, one of my favorite artists, puts it this way: “The opposite of faith isn’t doubt. It’s when we have it all figured out.”

How true that was for me when I thought I was done in my faith journey.

I thought that the biggest changes in my life would be me getting married or becoming a Mom—not some depressed teenager in high school, and eventually, a student in college.
If anything, I was anticipating for God to show up in bigger changes than that so I can have wild testimonies and faith and inspire others when I share with them about how God works in the big things.

However, while it is true that God does make a dramatic appearance from time to time, more often than not, He’s in the little things too, things so small enough that most wouldn’t identify it as a miracle. 

Whether or not it’s moving from one school to the next, He’s there.
Whether or not it’s hanging out with a new group of people, He’s there.
And, in my case, whether it’s going from a happy, faith-filled, girl to a depressed, doubtful, teenager, He’s there too.

And, looking back, I’m glad about it. If depression didn’t change my life the way it did, God couldn’t change my life the way He did.
You know how in His word He said He’ll make all things work for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose? 

Yeah. He actually really meant that. 

Because, while my depression was a disruption to the life I had grown to be content with, making me hate change all the more, God used it and worked it around for my benefit, so I can spend every morning after rejoicing in His goodness and praising Him with great faith for the future.

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